full version already in place....
full version down for re edits sorry...
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
im taking this down along with all my other blooded work specificall because i am ree writng most of it agian and would not be bothered by more coments than i already got, (around 70). thanks for all your support and the new version will be up as soon as its finished, but i may very well write the chapter through so give me at least a month ok?. thanks for the bump up in the rating, the majority of the rest is actually less bloody, only his memories are.
this will be copied to all posts by me until i figure out how to record all responses before topic deletion.
This story is good so far; you have developed all of your characters as well as their relationships well.
I would reccomend spacing and getting rid of extraneous comments:
The line about Laurein cakes, for example, could simply end with "delicious Laurein cakes".
Please space out your paragraphs! I got lost reading it...
That isn't really necessary. You have the 'sighed and rolled his eyes'. That works like said/spoke/whatever. Personally I like 'sighed and rolled his eyes' better. It's more interesting to pair dialogue with an action.
I thought this was worded funny. Maybe get rid of 'that lived'.
along or along side would sound better
Great story! Keep writing!